Moving Day

as the day of moving

well, not dawning yet

it’s only 5:02 am

but it’s cool

the heat has broken for a short reprieve

I woke up at 4

my cuticles battered

“you wake up next to him each day

until you don’t”

today will be a long day

today felt like our wedding day

where I felt like

or didn’t even feel

I needed to keep it all together

what I’m realizing

is my base state

your family coming to “help”

your family coming to “celebrate”

and them not knowing you

and I, feeling like I then need to keep it all together

for you

it as your life

and mine by some extension

and what we’ve both made out 

for ourselves was

an impossible task

a heavy life

suffering

it’s in the moments after or days

that’s when I worry for you

and am sad for you

when I see where I was

that’s when I say assuredly

I loved you.

what I didn’t understand about myself

and our life

and I’m sorry.