2022 New Year’s Obit Alternate
…her one stipulation for her funeral was that there be bouncers to enforce that everyone wear a mask. For greatest effect, this was not announced prior to the funeral.
2021 New Year’s Obit
I did not, as my coping mechanism would require, eat my sorrows to death and die in a tub of spaghetti, ramen, and Pad Thai (noodle addicts anonymous).
2020 New Year’s Obit
“I just can’t believe it. At only thir…I mean, the big three-oh. So sad.”
“She was just too young. Only thir…the big three-oh.”
“How old was she?”
“Oh, don’t make me say it.”
2019 New Year’s Obit
When remembering their mutual fits of laughter and goofiness, her mother was overcome with a new fit of laughter that ended, as it often did, in tears and a fit of coughing.
2018 Fake Stand-up
I guarantee every woman that uses tampons has on multiple occasions mistaken feeling slightly cold for having a fever and dying of TSS.
2018 New Year’s Obit
While the deceased’s unfinished projects could technically be designated unfinished business, they did not require her to “Casper-it-up”.
2017 New Year’s Obit
She died with excellent oral hygiene despite only ever picking up flossing for a few days at a time.
2016 New Year’s Obit
Before her death, her most recent achievement was somewhat successfully using a menstrual cup.