Christmas Eve

how can this feel so unreal

it’s like I had another mind with my mind

another heart

another's feelings

and now that other is gone

because it wasn’t another’s

it was a creation of mine

and I find that the part of my mind and heart that were consistently wrapped up in it

are gone along with

so I feel less myself

but not in crisis

rather, empty

and the desire is so strong

to fill in these empty spaces

with fantasies of new love

new attention

other hearts and minds

of my own creation

new love

that would again be mostly the other

the other, and the creation of them I’ve made into me

and when their love settled to a steady burn

it would again not be enough to fill two hearts

and love would feel foreign to me

and I could not be loved

because one cannot love what doesn’t exist

so what I will do now

I will grow into my body once more

I will fill the space that has never left me

I will grow into my heart and mind

so that I can love with wholeness

myself

I will grow into my body and spirit so that I will not lose myself in others

but rather add

overflow

I will grow with new strength

I will mourn those parts of me that were never mine

I will embrace the parts of me that always were

I will banish the gods that cast stones in my heart

I will collect the stones and name them

silence

obedience

sacrifice

sinfulness

shame

unworthiness

they will be dug up but not cast out

they will remain with new groundwork

trust

worthiness

imperfection

pleasure

care

I cannot wholly rid myself of stones that made me

but they need form the foundation no more

as roots grow deeper into my veins

as God removes the doubt from my bones

I will be real

I am